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summer 09

(Sunday, August 23, 2009)

So, I'm writing my first blog. I'm probably going to sound rusty since I haven't written one since grade eight? Yeah, whatever. I'm feeling really bummy right now. I hate that feeling where you're heart feels like it's at the top of the world one moment, then all of a sudden it slowly begins descending, at the same time, accelerating speed until it hits rock bottom. I hate how it feels like I wasted my whole summer trying to figure out what I wanted to do with someone. It's stupid how I make decisions on impulse based on my emotions instead of thinking of the consequences in the long run. I just hate how I don't think, and how I fail to acknowledge all the good things I already have in front of me. I wish I spent my summer noticing everything my boyfriend did for me, instead of picking on the simplest disappointments that I'd give a hundred percent attention to, while brushing off all the hours and patience he'd give to me just for everything to be okay between me and him. I hate how I'm selfish, and how I'll go from, "I love you!" to "Fuck you! I don't care!" when really, deep down, I know how much I can't afford to lose him. I don't know why I take advantage of us. He got me used to it. It's his fault for being so fuckin' nice to me. But it's my fault for being super angry in a matter of seconds, then cooling down after saying things I don't mean. Our cycle isn't healthy at all. I hurt him everytime, and everytime I do, it feels like I benefit from it because I learn just how much grip he has on me, and how far I could go to see if he's still hanging on. It's so wrong. I hate myself for it. The past few days were the best days of my life with him. I was actually a normal girlfriend for once. I chose not to be angry, and I chose not to be stubborn to be happy in return. Fuck, I hate how after more than a month of our break up, we got better just before he left for Florida. I know it sounds wack to sound like I'm the saddest thing alive, but it hurts a lot. I miss him, I really do. Just yesterday, I worked a 6-9/10pm shift, and during the day he had a late lunch with his family. He got dropped off at my work early just to see me. He waited on the take-out bench at pizza hut, watching me take orders for more than three hours, until finally my manager let me go. It was bittersweet, because I was spending quality time with him, but the fact that he had a flight early in the morning the next day was a kill to my buzz. We ate out, then walked to square one. I'd hug him every few minutes because I knew I'd spend the rest of the summer without him. I was sad, because after so many months of fighting and bitching, I finally walked out of my gloom to meet him in the middle. I've never been this way before. Not since early 2008 at least. I don't know when exactly I started rolling downhill into Lucifer's Kingdom of hatred and flames of anguish (lol wth), but Justin never gave up on me. For a whole year, he was by my side. Shit, I miss him...again. It'll be our 22 months on Wednesday. I barely greeted him on our 21 months because I was a bitch. *Sigh* I hate being this way. Sometimes I want to go through therapy or seek phsyciatric help, because I'm so fed up of losing my mind over nothing. I experience this thing, where my sight turns dark for minutes, and all I can do or say, is "FUCK THIS" and leave him. Like, what the hell right? Not cool. I want help. But I'm thinking, maybe the only help that'll work on me is treating myself. I just need to know that everything will be okay. I need to cherish my boyfriend, and be thankful that I found somebody like him. Not a lot of people like us together, but really, who are they to judge? They can't feel what we feel. They're not living our lives, they don't see what we see, and the potential that me and Justin have to make something better out of what we have. Honestly, I don't care anymore. For once in my life, I'll take my own advice, and not listen to unecessary opinions. I love how I can talk to him about anything, and how he can pick shit out of my braces with a toothpick in public and not give a shit. Any committed guy would do anything beyond for their girl, I'm not saying Justin's a rare thing, but everyone's going to have someone that will effect their lives in a certain way to fit in with that bond. That's what makes the chemistry special. I'm just so grateful for Justin, and for keeping me. I won't say I'll never find another like him, but with what I feel so far, I don't want to find another. I am sooooooo off limits, unavailable, taken, hitched, whateverr. LOL, okay booost. Not that anyone would want a catface with monkey mouth and shark teeth, but bottom line is...I am in a relationship with Justin Venturin Joo, and I'm fucking glad that everything's back to normal again. I love him, and miss him :( Wishing him a happy vacation, and a safe trip back into my arms :) Haha, sorry I'm cheesey. Okay goodnight ♥

Labels: bittersweet, boyfriend, florida, love, therapy

extras

november262007
Justin Venturin Joo. It's honestly just been a whole roller coaster ride being with you. We're both different in every single way, we don't always get along. I don't always feel the need to baby you or treat you like a prince. I don't always show you that I'm there for you, or that I care about you. I don't always laugh at your jokes, or spoil you with materialistic gifts and go on cute dates with you. I don't always notice or appreciate the smallest, yet meaningful things that you do for me. I may not hold your hand in public, or visit you at home. I rarely get prettied up for you because I feel like I don't have to, because it's just you. I feel like I don't always need to have you wherever I go, or make at least half the effort you've put in to make this relationship work. I'm stubborn, rude, impatient, tempermental, hypocritical, aggressive; I'm everything you don't deserve. Even from the beginning, I was never the perfect girlfriend to you. If anything, I was the worst pick. I did nothing but put you through shit the past 15 months. I'm a shit girlfriend. Honestly, I'm sorry for all the times I'd yell at you for no reason. Im sorry for always putting myself before you. I'm just sorry for all the moments I put you down just so I could overdominate you. But if you look past everything, and gather up what's left of me after removing all hatred and anger and grump that I contain in me, I hope you find the little girl you once fell in love with when you asked her out. I hope you see all the love and the little effort that I never did for anybody else but you. I wish you'd see how strong these feelings were. Strong enough to penetrate through my veins and refrain myself from high blood pressure and gloom. Baby, if you only knew how great of a painkiller you are. You're the only thing that's worked on me after tylenol and my puffer. It feels like our hearts have conjoined, only I can't feel what you feel, I can't understand what you go through. But, for some reason, you can read my mind, you're slick, you see everything I see, and you feel everything I feel. I'm not the type to express my feelings through some lovey dovey poem. I can't even express it in plain english. I feel as if I'm foreign and illiterate when I try to speak a word of love and the feelings I have toward you. You know me well, but you don't know me well enough to believe that I care. I know I love you, I feel it. I know it's not stupid to say I do, even though I'm only just a kid at heart. But, no one can judge and speak for me. If this isn't love, then why am I always happy when I'm with you? Why do i feel hurt when when you disappoint me? If this isn't love, then I don't love my family. The feelings are similar, yet different. But it's love, I know it is. As long as I'm with you, I'll always believe in what we have. You help me contain this concept of love we're in into something real. As long as you hold onto me, and never give up on us, this "love" we so call feel, will become beyond love. It'll be something even more unexplainable. But it'll be that strong for us to take in, and cherish. I honestly, and deeply, love you, Justin Joo. Please know that.