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realtalks.

(Sunday, November 8, 2009)

Fuck my life blogspot.com, you're the only one I can turn to. I'm sick of always being easily angered for no reason. I'm tired of being the way I am, and being selfish. Fuck everything that I am when I'm not thinking, cuz not even my own boyfriend could feed me with enough patience to last a year of being with me. Fuck customers at pizza hut who complain over punching in the wrong topping, pepperoni instead of pinapple, whatever..and fuck customers who don't have the patience to wait 5 more minutes for their fucking pizza. I can't control how fast the oven operates, so fuck naggers and complaints and whoever the fuck I come across at work who act like not having their pizza right and on time is their biggest problem in the world. I hate how the truth just kills me. I've been going out with Justin for almost 2 years now, but honestly. Even my own family thinks we have nothing special, and that our 'I love yous' are a joke. Shit man, I don't want to hear people tell me that I don't know what love is. Love lasts for as long as you make it last, or for how long your heart can take the bullshit that love comes with. I hate being weak. I hate knowing that breaking up with him is the right thing to do. I hate how I can't trust him anymore, and how I've built so much with him for everything to crash on me in the end. I can't do anything on my own anymore without him. I can't even enjoy a girls night cuz I'd just want him with me. Two years might not be long enough to grieve over, but it hurts. I wish it were easy to move on. Or I wish I could just take him back and be with him again, but I know we won't work out anymore. Our relationship's dead. I don't want a dead relationship. I don't always want to yell at him for acting stupid. No matter how hard I try to contain myself, my emotions just explode in a form of anger, as if I don't give a shit no matter how much he's hurting with my words cuz all I want for him to feel in that moment is the same shit I feel. When I'm really angry, I want him to feel as sad as I'm angry. When I cry, I want him to cry with me. When I'm happy, I want him to be happy with me. Fuck. I just want to move on. How fucking weak can I be to already miss him after a few fucking days. I want him, but I don't to be with him. Like, I can't even describe what I want to do in this situation. Why does he even put up with me? Why am I suck a jerk to him? Fuck man. I know he loves me, but he's being stupidly in love with me to the point where he doesn't know how to take ownership of his rights. He's allowed to ask for space when he needs it right? But why doesn't he ask for any. Why does he always want to work things out with me as if I'm even worth the suffering. What kind of shitty life is he trying to get himself into by keeping me. I'm nothing special. I'm shit, if you ask me. FUCKKKK ! I don't want to love him anymore. I want to forget two years worth of memories so I can be happy. I can't believe what I'm saying, but I actually think it's over. No matter how much I want him back with me, in my mind, everything's just dead. It's over. We honestly aren't meant to be. No matter how much we love each other, it means nothing if there's no trust, if it's filled with anger. Love can't feel this shitty. I know love comes with a lot of bullshit but it can't be as much as this. I can't take it. I'd rather move on now, and renew myself before I get even more attached with him. I'm so fucking madly in love with him to the point where I'd murder a puppy just to see him .. what the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I live my life normally again. What is this shit. I feel like Justin's my fucking backbone. UGHHHHHH ! I'm so pathetic without him. I wish he never wanted me back so that I'd be forced to move on. November 26, 2007 is done. Just, wow.

extras

november262007
Justin Venturin Joo. It's honestly just been a whole roller coaster ride being with you. We're both different in every single way, we don't always get along. I don't always feel the need to baby you or treat you like a prince. I don't always show you that I'm there for you, or that I care about you. I don't always laugh at your jokes, or spoil you with materialistic gifts and go on cute dates with you. I don't always notice or appreciate the smallest, yet meaningful things that you do for me. I may not hold your hand in public, or visit you at home. I rarely get prettied up for you because I feel like I don't have to, because it's just you. I feel like I don't always need to have you wherever I go, or make at least half the effort you've put in to make this relationship work. I'm stubborn, rude, impatient, tempermental, hypocritical, aggressive; I'm everything you don't deserve. Even from the beginning, I was never the perfect girlfriend to you. If anything, I was the worst pick. I did nothing but put you through shit the past 15 months. I'm a shit girlfriend. Honestly, I'm sorry for all the times I'd yell at you for no reason. Im sorry for always putting myself before you. I'm just sorry for all the moments I put you down just so I could overdominate you. But if you look past everything, and gather up what's left of me after removing all hatred and anger and grump that I contain in me, I hope you find the little girl you once fell in love with when you asked her out. I hope you see all the love and the little effort that I never did for anybody else but you. I wish you'd see how strong these feelings were. Strong enough to penetrate through my veins and refrain myself from high blood pressure and gloom. Baby, if you only knew how great of a painkiller you are. You're the only thing that's worked on me after tylenol and my puffer. It feels like our hearts have conjoined, only I can't feel what you feel, I can't understand what you go through. But, for some reason, you can read my mind, you're slick, you see everything I see, and you feel everything I feel. I'm not the type to express my feelings through some lovey dovey poem. I can't even express it in plain english. I feel as if I'm foreign and illiterate when I try to speak a word of love and the feelings I have toward you. You know me well, but you don't know me well enough to believe that I care. I know I love you, I feel it. I know it's not stupid to say I do, even though I'm only just a kid at heart. But, no one can judge and speak for me. If this isn't love, then why am I always happy when I'm with you? Why do i feel hurt when when you disappoint me? If this isn't love, then I don't love my family. The feelings are similar, yet different. But it's love, I know it is. As long as I'm with you, I'll always believe in what we have. You help me contain this concept of love we're in into something real. As long as you hold onto me, and never give up on us, this "love" we so call feel, will become beyond love. It'll be something even more unexplainable. But it'll be that strong for us to take in, and cherish. I honestly, and deeply, love you, Justin Joo. Please know that.