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Holding on..

(Tuesday, December 22, 2009)

There's so many things going on in my head right now. I'm on a break with my boyfriend. It's whatever, same old shit. Except this time, he wanted it. It hurts my feelings, everything he says or does now. It's like someone reincarnated into him. I don't even know him anymore. He says he needs time to fix himself, but I doubt anything will fix him. I'm holding onto nothing right now. I have no strength, no motivation, no hope. All I really needed was his reassuring words, but it's hard when you feel like your boyfriend's just forcing himself to calm you down when you know he feels just as fucked as you do inside. I'm afraid of what's to come between me and him. I'm afraid nothing will be fixed. Man, two years being with him. I've never looked so pathetic in my life. I don't even know if it's worth fighting for. It hurts so much. I love him so much. But I don't know how long I'll hold on loving someone who's completely changed. I loved the old him. I loved the old us. I miss going to his house, takings pictures with him, and him wrapping his arms around me tight as if no one could tear us apart. We teared each other apart though. I blame myself, but I blame him for not staying strong to keep me strong. I know it should be equal, but my heart's weak, my temper's low, my mind fluctuates from positive to negative so often that I can't even maintain a balanced mood. I hate it. I don't know what's worth fighting for anymore. I don't know if our love is strong enough to withstand this kind of pain. This scrutiny. I love him so much, but I don't love what he's become. Someone as angry as I used to be..yesterday. I know, it's only been a couple days. I'm being impatient, obviously. But love shouldn't have to wait this long, love doesn't need time to think. Love is instant. Love stays, and maintains, and heals faster than light when that someone catches your breath. I've all learned this, and I've been recovering, and restoring myself. I'm beginning to plan ahead for what I want myself to be after everything. I'm preparing for the worst, and making sure I'll know where to stand when he leaves me. I don't feel his love anymore. Barely. I know he loves me, it's still in him, he says he does. But all of this, all his words can't break these metal bars between us. I know we've been fucked for a while, and it's due to our lack of trust, faith, and discipline for our own lives, but love should be strong enough to break all barriers right? That's what love is. My love is so strong that it changed me. I've never been so down for anyone in my life. I've always wanted the attention from other boys, I've always wanted to be the one above the other in a relationship, I've always wanted the glory. Nothing ever seemed challenging to me when it came to Justin, because I knew no matter what, he'd be there waiting for me to come to my senses. He may never believe me when I say, "I know you love me" .. because of all the doubting and questions I ask him about his emotions, but I know at one point, he really did give his all. I don't know if it's my cue to make up for everything and show him the love he deserves, but no one should ever have to endure this pain. I feel like I'm stuck in my own body, trying to figure out if I'm still needed in his life or if it's some nightmare that I haven't awoken from yet. I just hate how that saying is true, "People want what they can't have." That might apply to me more than selfish person in the world. Now that my boyfriend's realizing what else he's got besides me, that's when I start to take action. I'm so retarded. It's whatever though...life goes on. If me and him aren't meant to be, so be it. Life still goes on. At least I benefit learning from my own mistakes for the next guy to come, but fuck it. My heart's wrapped around gold, no one will have a digger strong enough to mine my heart out of this gold. My perspective on things is so different now. Whatever or however I am now, life will still go on...

justin venturin joo

(Sunday, December 20, 2009)

Fuck, I'm blowing things harder than ever. Harder than a pornstar blows a penis. What the fuck. I'm pathetic. I always want what I can't have, and now that I've exceeded the limit, and taken advantage of Justin's patience, it's come to this. I'm ugly inside and out. I forgot about my own friends just to satisfy trying to keep what I already had, but I blew it. It used to be him chasing after me, cuz I'd always be all over the place. No one could really read my mind. No one would have expected all of my stupid decisions that caused my relationship with him to slowly fall apart. I blame myself for everything. For being the dumbest, most inconsiderate girlfriend a male could have. For being the most selfish, and angered prick on the face of this planet. I've lost myself, and I can't even recognize what I've become. I can't even fight myself, and fight every wrong vein I have in my fucking body to fight for myself and the boy I love. I miss him, and us. I love us when we're happy. Lately I've been reading my notes, blogs, files, whatever memory I have left of me and him during our most happiest moments. I can't deal with this shit anymore. It's fucking agonizing pain, I just want to rip my heart out cuz it's the most flammable part in my body. I'm dying. How can a boy fuck my life up this much? I miss being my old self. I miss being a little more patient than I am now. I miss myself more than everything in the world, cuz if I were to be who i used to be, I'd have Justin back too. Fuck. I hate it. I wish I had this button on me that would transform be back to normal. I don't know. Life's so fucking hard. I cry too much nowadays. I'm lower then low. I miss the days where I'd have not a single worried bone in my body. Where I wouldn't always be stressed, and under pressure. I miss being free from my anger, and myself. Fuck man, what kind of life is this? I may look back years from now and laugh at how soft my problems are right now, but I don't even care. What matters is that right now, it hurts. It hurts more than anything. I'm trying to be strong and happy. It's only been a couple days, and it feels like it's been weeks worth of pain. Time goes by so slowly, my wounds heal slowly, and what I fear the most is that none of this break shit will even work on Justin and I. What if we just drift apart even more, and forget that we had each other waiting on both ends. What if either one of us turn our backs against each other? Why the fuck is he even the centre of my attention? That's what I'm fussing about. Why does he matter so much to me? I don't want anyone else to matter more than I matter to myself. But Justin, he matters to me more than anything right now. I'm being selfish and stupid, and I know he's just a boy. But he took everything from me. He stole my heart, my morals, my respect for myself and others. I don't blame him though. I blame myself for being too weak to handle Love. I'm stuck in this whole Love shit. I'm sick of loving. It hurts to love so much knowing that deep down, there's this vibe telling you that you're loving someone that can't give half as much back to you. I took it too seriously. Now I'm stuck here, trying to regain what I've lost from myself like a fucking idiot while he's just chilling. He probably might be sad, but he doesn't know what sad is until he stands in my shoes. I'm being so overly dramatic over a fucking boy. I don't know if it's because we've been together for 2 years, and it's a record that I don't want to break, or if everything involved in those 2 years really meant the world to me. I can't distinguish shit, cuz I'm so high on stupidity right now. I wish I knew how to open up my heart again. Justin's fucking name's written all over it, like as if a guy were to come near me and try to get close with me, I'd just yell out Justin's name over and over and annoy them the fuck away. I wish I wasn't so stupid. I wish I was just chill in the relationship. I wish I was sick of him, but I never get enough of him. I don't know why I'm even staying when all we do is fight. I can't understand myself. I know that once I'm done mourning, I'll be so much happier, but still, it's him I want. It's him I want to live my life with. I want to heal with him, spend my life with him, and find that balance between him, friends, and my family. I feel like I'm drunk at the top of a building, losing balance, about to fall 26 stories down. Actually, I feel as if I've already fallen and finally fucking realized that getting hit like a bitch would snap me back into reality and understand that Justin doesn't love me as much as I love him. There's always going to be one person in the relationship to love more or less. I guess I'm the soar fucking loser here. I'm so fucking soft. I want these next few months to change me. I want time to change me. I want to look like I have a life for once and find myself again, meet new people. I want me and Justin to start over. I want him to love me more, or me love him less so we both meet in the middle. I want things equal. I want my life back. I want to be happy again. Justin, where are you? Do you care? Am I worth the wait? Fuck, even I wouldn't wait for myself. I'm an asshole, a jerk, cheater, a bitch, and so much more. I don't blame you anymore. I knew it all along. I fucked us up, and I'm sorry. I forget, people change. I just didn't think out of everyone, it would be you to change the most, and change my life and bring me down this much. I depended so much on you to raise me up, but I'm stupid to always rely on you. I'm just stupid, and I wish I could turn back time and erase every stupid little thing that I've done to you. I want all this pain to go away. I'm wrong already, I'm too uptight and paranoid. Justin, if you really do love me, then please hold on. I know I'll get better. None of us want this, and whatever fucks us up will make us stronger once we learn. Please forgive me. Hopefully one day, I can forgive myself and be myself again. As of now, it's day one of rehab. I'm scared..

extras

november262007
Justin Venturin Joo. It's honestly just been a whole roller coaster ride being with you. We're both different in every single way, we don't always get along. I don't always feel the need to baby you or treat you like a prince. I don't always show you that I'm there for you, or that I care about you. I don't always laugh at your jokes, or spoil you with materialistic gifts and go on cute dates with you. I don't always notice or appreciate the smallest, yet meaningful things that you do for me. I may not hold your hand in public, or visit you at home. I rarely get prettied up for you because I feel like I don't have to, because it's just you. I feel like I don't always need to have you wherever I go, or make at least half the effort you've put in to make this relationship work. I'm stubborn, rude, impatient, tempermental, hypocritical, aggressive; I'm everything you don't deserve. Even from the beginning, I was never the perfect girlfriend to you. If anything, I was the worst pick. I did nothing but put you through shit the past 15 months. I'm a shit girlfriend. Honestly, I'm sorry for all the times I'd yell at you for no reason. Im sorry for always putting myself before you. I'm just sorry for all the moments I put you down just so I could overdominate you. But if you look past everything, and gather up what's left of me after removing all hatred and anger and grump that I contain in me, I hope you find the little girl you once fell in love with when you asked her out. I hope you see all the love and the little effort that I never did for anybody else but you. I wish you'd see how strong these feelings were. Strong enough to penetrate through my veins and refrain myself from high blood pressure and gloom. Baby, if you only knew how great of a painkiller you are. You're the only thing that's worked on me after tylenol and my puffer. It feels like our hearts have conjoined, only I can't feel what you feel, I can't understand what you go through. But, for some reason, you can read my mind, you're slick, you see everything I see, and you feel everything I feel. I'm not the type to express my feelings through some lovey dovey poem. I can't even express it in plain english. I feel as if I'm foreign and illiterate when I try to speak a word of love and the feelings I have toward you. You know me well, but you don't know me well enough to believe that I care. I know I love you, I feel it. I know it's not stupid to say I do, even though I'm only just a kid at heart. But, no one can judge and speak for me. If this isn't love, then why am I always happy when I'm with you? Why do i feel hurt when when you disappoint me? If this isn't love, then I don't love my family. The feelings are similar, yet different. But it's love, I know it is. As long as I'm with you, I'll always believe in what we have. You help me contain this concept of love we're in into something real. As long as you hold onto me, and never give up on us, this "love" we so call feel, will become beyond love. It'll be something even more unexplainable. But it'll be that strong for us to take in, and cherish. I honestly, and deeply, love you, Justin Joo. Please know that.