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Holding on..

(Tuesday, December 22, 2009)

There's so many things going on in my head right now. I'm on a break with my boyfriend. It's whatever, same old shit. Except this time, he wanted it. It hurts my feelings, everything he says or does now. It's like someone reincarnated into him. I don't even know him anymore. He says he needs time to fix himself, but I doubt anything will fix him. I'm holding onto nothing right now. I have no strength, no motivation, no hope. All I really needed was his reassuring words, but it's hard when you feel like your boyfriend's just forcing himself to calm you down when you know he feels just as fucked as you do inside. I'm afraid of what's to come between me and him. I'm afraid nothing will be fixed. Man, two years being with him. I've never looked so pathetic in my life. I don't even know if it's worth fighting for. It hurts so much. I love him so much. But I don't know how long I'll hold on loving someone who's completely changed. I loved the old him. I loved the old us. I miss going to his house, takings pictures with him, and him wrapping his arms around me tight as if no one could tear us apart. We teared each other apart though. I blame myself, but I blame him for not staying strong to keep me strong. I know it should be equal, but my heart's weak, my temper's low, my mind fluctuates from positive to negative so often that I can't even maintain a balanced mood. I hate it. I don't know what's worth fighting for anymore. I don't know if our love is strong enough to withstand this kind of pain. This scrutiny. I love him so much, but I don't love what he's become. Someone as angry as I used to be..yesterday. I know, it's only been a couple days. I'm being impatient, obviously. But love shouldn't have to wait this long, love doesn't need time to think. Love is instant. Love stays, and maintains, and heals faster than light when that someone catches your breath. I've all learned this, and I've been recovering, and restoring myself. I'm beginning to plan ahead for what I want myself to be after everything. I'm preparing for the worst, and making sure I'll know where to stand when he leaves me. I don't feel his love anymore. Barely. I know he loves me, it's still in him, he says he does. But all of this, all his words can't break these metal bars between us. I know we've been fucked for a while, and it's due to our lack of trust, faith, and discipline for our own lives, but love should be strong enough to break all barriers right? That's what love is. My love is so strong that it changed me. I've never been so down for anyone in my life. I've always wanted the attention from other boys, I've always wanted to be the one above the other in a relationship, I've always wanted the glory. Nothing ever seemed challenging to me when it came to Justin, because I knew no matter what, he'd be there waiting for me to come to my senses. He may never believe me when I say, "I know you love me" .. because of all the doubting and questions I ask him about his emotions, but I know at one point, he really did give his all. I don't know if it's my cue to make up for everything and show him the love he deserves, but no one should ever have to endure this pain. I feel like I'm stuck in my own body, trying to figure out if I'm still needed in his life or if it's some nightmare that I haven't awoken from yet. I just hate how that saying is true, "People want what they can't have." That might apply to me more than selfish person in the world. Now that my boyfriend's realizing what else he's got besides me, that's when I start to take action. I'm so retarded. It's whatever though...life goes on. If me and him aren't meant to be, so be it. Life still goes on. At least I benefit learning from my own mistakes for the next guy to come, but fuck it. My heart's wrapped around gold, no one will have a digger strong enough to mine my heart out of this gold. My perspective on things is so different now. Whatever or however I am now, life will still go on...

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november262007
Justin Venturin Joo. It's honestly just been a whole roller coaster ride being with you. We're both different in every single way, we don't always get along. I don't always feel the need to baby you or treat you like a prince. I don't always show you that I'm there for you, or that I care about you. I don't always laugh at your jokes, or spoil you with materialistic gifts and go on cute dates with you. I don't always notice or appreciate the smallest, yet meaningful things that you do for me. I may not hold your hand in public, or visit you at home. I rarely get prettied up for you because I feel like I don't have to, because it's just you. I feel like I don't always need to have you wherever I go, or make at least half the effort you've put in to make this relationship work. I'm stubborn, rude, impatient, tempermental, hypocritical, aggressive; I'm everything you don't deserve. Even from the beginning, I was never the perfect girlfriend to you. If anything, I was the worst pick. I did nothing but put you through shit the past 15 months. I'm a shit girlfriend. Honestly, I'm sorry for all the times I'd yell at you for no reason. Im sorry for always putting myself before you. I'm just sorry for all the moments I put you down just so I could overdominate you. But if you look past everything, and gather up what's left of me after removing all hatred and anger and grump that I contain in me, I hope you find the little girl you once fell in love with when you asked her out. I hope you see all the love and the little effort that I never did for anybody else but you. I wish you'd see how strong these feelings were. Strong enough to penetrate through my veins and refrain myself from high blood pressure and gloom. Baby, if you only knew how great of a painkiller you are. You're the only thing that's worked on me after tylenol and my puffer. It feels like our hearts have conjoined, only I can't feel what you feel, I can't understand what you go through. But, for some reason, you can read my mind, you're slick, you see everything I see, and you feel everything I feel. I'm not the type to express my feelings through some lovey dovey poem. I can't even express it in plain english. I feel as if I'm foreign and illiterate when I try to speak a word of love and the feelings I have toward you. You know me well, but you don't know me well enough to believe that I care. I know I love you, I feel it. I know it's not stupid to say I do, even though I'm only just a kid at heart. But, no one can judge and speak for me. If this isn't love, then why am I always happy when I'm with you? Why do i feel hurt when when you disappoint me? If this isn't love, then I don't love my family. The feelings are similar, yet different. But it's love, I know it is. As long as I'm with you, I'll always believe in what we have. You help me contain this concept of love we're in into something real. As long as you hold onto me, and never give up on us, this "love" we so call feel, will become beyond love. It'll be something even more unexplainable. But it'll be that strong for us to take in, and cherish. I honestly, and deeply, love you, Justin Joo. Please know that.