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Something's not right..

(Monday, June 14, 2010)

UGHHHHH, it's the fucking hardest thing in the world to put on a fake smile, especially for someone like me who's witty, and says whatever she feels or thinks on the spot. I'm trying so fucking hard! FUCK FUCK FUCK. I don't fucking understand how he's so good at hiding his sadness, if he even IS sad to begin with. I can see that he's completely fine. I know that whenever he's down, he'd be quick to let it show in some way or another. I feel like I don't even matter, and that breaking up is just whatever to him. If ONLY, he didn't make me feel so alone in this breakup, and maybe if I didn't feel like the only one hurting, then things would be a little easier for me. Regardless the fact that he's BEEN fed up with me, some emotion's gotta be in there somewhere. He looks fine, as if nothing happened. As if seeing me was seeing me like we were together, except he doesn't hug me, kiss me, hold me, etc. What the fuck. I'm wasting so much energy being sad over a boy who can't even be half as sad as I am. I know it might be stupid to want him to be sad, but at least that shows me something. This whole promise we have, I don't even fucking know where the fuck this'll take us. I don't even want to live by our promise, because I'm just going to get fucked over again, and I know he'd rather have me as his bestfriend than his girlfriend. I've never been his fucking friend. We started dating after a fucking month of getting to know each other in grade 10. What kind of fucking friend does he expect me to be? Either I treat him like shit to help me move on, cut him out of my life, or take it all in and be patient by having it his way. I want to be there for him, but this hurts too much. His friends are his happiness now. I used to be so precious to him, but now he can live perfectly without me. I hate this feeling :( I feel so worthless, and I don't know how I'm ever going to see myself progress when the one boy who's been there for me throughout everything, can't even be there to help fix me. I should be doing this on my own, but I wish he made this easier for me in some way. I wish he'd tell me how much I was worth before we let go of each other, and I wish he told me how much he loved me, so that at least we left shit on a good note, and maybe months from now, or a year from now, something wonderful happens to the both of us. That's what I'm hoping for, but it hurts to hope knowing the person who promised the future with you, is completely happy without you. Why would he want to trade all this happiness just to be with me again? Why would he trade in the single life for someone who he can't even cry over? It just doesn't make sense to me. He says he loves me lots, but he can't even prove it by showing that he's hurting too. If you're broken up with someone, and you love them soooo much, then it should be almost impossible for you to stay happy without looking sad for even 2 minutes of the day! I don't get this, I'm confused. I want to keep my promise, because I love him so much, but I don't want to be given false hope. I don't want a promise over sympathy. I want the truth, so I can move on with no strings attached, and forget him completely. I don't know how long I can last, but once summer hits, and I stop seeing him around school, I'll have the real opportunity to distance myself from him. He's having surgery in a couple days...maybe he'll miss me then. God knows I would have bussed over to his house just to take care of him. So much for that idea. I'll let him be. I'll be the friend he wants me to be, but hopefully he understands where I'm coming from. Hopefully I'll feel needed at some point in his life, but whenever that day comes, I'll be sure to think before I give in...I love you baby, but you can't keep hurting me like this. It's either you love me, want to be with me, and keep me in your thoughts while I get used to detaching myself from you, and really mean it when you say I'm yours whenever the time's right, or you tell me straight up if I'm waiting for nothing. If that's the case, then you don't love me, and you haven't loved me for a while. Take it in, you can't back up the fact that you love someone so much but you can't promise to be with them. That just makes me feel like a last resort in your life. Listen to yourself. If you love me, then you'll make me understand my faults in a different way, you're there for me every step of the way as the bestfriend you claim to want me to be, and make me feel like I mean something even if we can't be together for the passing moments. That's effort. That's not cheating this breakup. It's breaking up, but keeping each other happy. God knows, if we keep up whatever we're doing now, then it will all just end up being a mess. It's a yes or no. YES you are willing to be with me no matter what after the rain, and NO you can't see yourself with me anymore because you're happier this way. You choose.

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november262007
Justin Venturin Joo. It's honestly just been a whole roller coaster ride being with you. We're both different in every single way, we don't always get along. I don't always feel the need to baby you or treat you like a prince. I don't always show you that I'm there for you, or that I care about you. I don't always laugh at your jokes, or spoil you with materialistic gifts and go on cute dates with you. I don't always notice or appreciate the smallest, yet meaningful things that you do for me. I may not hold your hand in public, or visit you at home. I rarely get prettied up for you because I feel like I don't have to, because it's just you. I feel like I don't always need to have you wherever I go, or make at least half the effort you've put in to make this relationship work. I'm stubborn, rude, impatient, tempermental, hypocritical, aggressive; I'm everything you don't deserve. Even from the beginning, I was never the perfect girlfriend to you. If anything, I was the worst pick. I did nothing but put you through shit the past 15 months. I'm a shit girlfriend. Honestly, I'm sorry for all the times I'd yell at you for no reason. Im sorry for always putting myself before you. I'm just sorry for all the moments I put you down just so I could overdominate you. But if you look past everything, and gather up what's left of me after removing all hatred and anger and grump that I contain in me, I hope you find the little girl you once fell in love with when you asked her out. I hope you see all the love and the little effort that I never did for anybody else but you. I wish you'd see how strong these feelings were. Strong enough to penetrate through my veins and refrain myself from high blood pressure and gloom. Baby, if you only knew how great of a painkiller you are. You're the only thing that's worked on me after tylenol and my puffer. It feels like our hearts have conjoined, only I can't feel what you feel, I can't understand what you go through. But, for some reason, you can read my mind, you're slick, you see everything I see, and you feel everything I feel. I'm not the type to express my feelings through some lovey dovey poem. I can't even express it in plain english. I feel as if I'm foreign and illiterate when I try to speak a word of love and the feelings I have toward you. You know me well, but you don't know me well enough to believe that I care. I know I love you, I feel it. I know it's not stupid to say I do, even though I'm only just a kid at heart. But, no one can judge and speak for me. If this isn't love, then why am I always happy when I'm with you? Why do i feel hurt when when you disappoint me? If this isn't love, then I don't love my family. The feelings are similar, yet different. But it's love, I know it is. As long as I'm with you, I'll always believe in what we have. You help me contain this concept of love we're in into something real. As long as you hold onto me, and never give up on us, this "love" we so call feel, will become beyond love. It'll be something even more unexplainable. But it'll be that strong for us to take in, and cherish. I honestly, and deeply, love you, Justin Joo. Please know that.