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I'm sorry..

(Saturday, June 19, 2010)

Justin Joo, I'm sorry for everything I've ever caused you. For not being able to take the time to control my anger, for not trusting you, for complaining about all the times you'd actually try to be good to me, for being overly paranoid, for being a bitch, for picking fights, for never appreciating you, for being doubtful, for being selfish, for always being so angry for no reason, and for loving you too much to the point where it's suffocating you. I'm so sorry that we're like the way we are now. I did this to us, not you. You may have changed into somebody else, but I know it's because you're tired of the way I am. I'm sorry for always promising to change, and only showing you it for no longer than a week. I'm sorry for always being so witty, and saying whatever's on my mind just for the fuck of it. I'm sorry for always wanting to hurt you just because I'm hurt. I'm sorry for never letting you have fun, and for expecting too much from you. I'm sorry for all the nights I'd cry like a fag just because I couldn't get to sleep and my mood would take over. I'm sorry for always annoying you at night, and calling you shit that you're not. Justin, I don't know how late my apologies are, but I know they're long overdue because I lost you. I know we love each other, but we can't even be together because of me. I'm so disappointed in myself. I'm so much better than this, and I could be so much better to you. I'm wrong in every single way Justin. I'll tell the world that it was all my fault why we're not together anymore. I'm so stupid, and I deserve the heartache. I'm sorry for always telling you that I give up on you when you've always stood by me. I'm sorry for taking back what I say hours or the day after when I've already pissed you off. I'm sorry for everything I've done in grade 10. I'm sorry for not satisfying you, and I'm sorry for putting you through hell with me. If only I just stopped and appreciated you for who you were and for how patient you were, then we never would have fallen apart like this. Justin, you don't know how much I regret the things I've done, you don't know how sorry I am, and how deteremined I am to show you that I'm capable of change just to keep you. Maybe I'm being selfish again, but if you just wait and watch me grow into the person we both want me to be, then we'll be perfect again. I want us back to the way we were soooo fucking bad baby. This hurts too much, especially knowing that I did this to us. I want to be able to be happy for you when you're happy. I want to let you know that I'm not giving up yet. I'm not losing hope, and I still see potential in us. We're so much better then this, and if we just put our effort together, in a couple months we'll be brand new again. That's what you want right? For me to revert back to my old self where I let you do whatever you wanted? You want me to stop bitching over small things, and just maintain my sweetness with you? Like, I know EXACTLY what you want, and I know EXACTLY what I'd like myself to become from this. I want to change not only for you, but most especially for myself. I can't go on staying this way anymore. It's so wrong, and it will get me nowhere in life. I want to seek medical help, because this can't even be normal anymore. I miss you so much boo. Your hugs, kisses, and your touch. I miss your presence. Each time I see you, I just wish I can run into your arms and do my usual. Babe, I can't see myself starting over with anyone else but you. We've gotten so used to each other. I can't imagine myself in bed with anyone else, or feeling even half as comfortable as I do with you. You know how picky and easily turned off I am too. You know how germaphobic I am. I don't mind anything about you. I love you so much that I don't give a shit if your whole face were a pimple. You're my baby, and you always will be. It's so wrong and unusual for a girl to chase after a guy, but in this case, I'm going to stay away from you and give you what you want. But please, don't hurt me. I want to accept everything that might come my way, and I want to be prepared for it. I'll take everything I have to take, just as long as I know you're still mine. We may not be labelled as girlfriend and boyfriend anymore, but I want to know, that no girl can have you but me. Might sound creepy, but if we both love each other, then no one else can take that away from us. You know that. Once I get my liscence, I'll let you drive my car around, I'll let you go to parties and drink with friends, I'll let you sleepover places, and your friends sleepover at yours, if some girl catches your attention and you fall for them, I'll fucking take it. I deserve it anyway and I'll wait to see if you realize that you still want me. I'm fucking down for you Justin, because I fucking love you and no girl can love you like I do. No one. I know I've made you my everything, but I want to make others my everything, and I want to learn how to organize my life. I really want to fix myself because I'm a complete mess right now and I totally agree with you. We need this to fix us, and I hope you live smart and think of me because I sure as hell will be thinking of you. You will always be my first true love, and I'll always love you. I'll never love another baby, I'm just sorry for everything! Please tell me, it's not too late to try again. If what you say about me is truee, then prove yourself as I will prove myself to you. Baby, if you believe our love is that powerful to conquer all, then let this be a test. I want you no matter what throughout it all, and I'm just going to be here as you were for me our whole relationship. It's my turn to give you what you've always deserved. Baby please, don't give up on us. Promise me.

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november262007
Justin Venturin Joo. It's honestly just been a whole roller coaster ride being with you. We're both different in every single way, we don't always get along. I don't always feel the need to baby you or treat you like a prince. I don't always show you that I'm there for you, or that I care about you. I don't always laugh at your jokes, or spoil you with materialistic gifts and go on cute dates with you. I don't always notice or appreciate the smallest, yet meaningful things that you do for me. I may not hold your hand in public, or visit you at home. I rarely get prettied up for you because I feel like I don't have to, because it's just you. I feel like I don't always need to have you wherever I go, or make at least half the effort you've put in to make this relationship work. I'm stubborn, rude, impatient, tempermental, hypocritical, aggressive; I'm everything you don't deserve. Even from the beginning, I was never the perfect girlfriend to you. If anything, I was the worst pick. I did nothing but put you through shit the past 15 months. I'm a shit girlfriend. Honestly, I'm sorry for all the times I'd yell at you for no reason. Im sorry for always putting myself before you. I'm just sorry for all the moments I put you down just so I could overdominate you. But if you look past everything, and gather up what's left of me after removing all hatred and anger and grump that I contain in me, I hope you find the little girl you once fell in love with when you asked her out. I hope you see all the love and the little effort that I never did for anybody else but you. I wish you'd see how strong these feelings were. Strong enough to penetrate through my veins and refrain myself from high blood pressure and gloom. Baby, if you only knew how great of a painkiller you are. You're the only thing that's worked on me after tylenol and my puffer. It feels like our hearts have conjoined, only I can't feel what you feel, I can't understand what you go through. But, for some reason, you can read my mind, you're slick, you see everything I see, and you feel everything I feel. I'm not the type to express my feelings through some lovey dovey poem. I can't even express it in plain english. I feel as if I'm foreign and illiterate when I try to speak a word of love and the feelings I have toward you. You know me well, but you don't know me well enough to believe that I care. I know I love you, I feel it. I know it's not stupid to say I do, even though I'm only just a kid at heart. But, no one can judge and speak for me. If this isn't love, then why am I always happy when I'm with you? Why do i feel hurt when when you disappoint me? If this isn't love, then I don't love my family. The feelings are similar, yet different. But it's love, I know it is. As long as I'm with you, I'll always believe in what we have. You help me contain this concept of love we're in into something real. As long as you hold onto me, and never give up on us, this "love" we so call feel, will become beyond love. It'll be something even more unexplainable. But it'll be that strong for us to take in, and cherish. I honestly, and deeply, love you, Justin Joo. Please know that.