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It's the LOVE that matters..

(Sunday, June 13, 2010)

I know I keep writing on here, but this thing actually relieves me a little. I just came home from work, and I'm pretty proud of myself that I got to endure a long 5 hour shift with a heavy load in my chest. It was sooo hard, working in the worst mood of life. I told my managers and coworker what was up, because I had nothing else to do, and they all just laughed. I guess it's because I've probably told them the same things over and over for the 3rd time, that they don't believe that me and their favourite customer were actually over. They made this theory that I was just a backup girl, especially after I told them that me and my boyfriend planned on being together later on. I don't know, and I don't want to believe what they say. I'm just going to do my own thing, and believe in myself. No matter how much I wanted to cry at work, and no matter how much I wanted to just call him and yell at him for putting me through hell, even if it's my own fault why I keep myself in this hell position, I kept it together. I'm going to keep doing this, no matter how much I'm hurting inside. For once, I'm going to be strong. I'm sick of being weak, and I'm sick of being overdominated because I know I was the weakling in the relationship, and he knew it would be easy to manipulate my feelings. Everyone's sick of hearing the same old shit from us. I agree. It just saddens me, that this all could have been avoided if we could just rewind back time and had the patience to understand each other. All I ever really wanted was to be sweet with him again, rekindle our flame, and redevelop our chemistry. That's what I miss most, the old us. My cries for help the past couple of days were to get him to see and understand that all I ever really wanted was for us to be happy. I know it may seem like I ruin moments by being sad. I didn't mean to. I'm not the best at hiding pain, sadness, or thoughts. Maybe I should have all along. Or maybe he should have just opened his mind to what I wanted, because it was never really a bad thing. All I ever really wanted was for him, to be sweet again. Maybe make me a cute little lunch every now and then like he used to, hug me from behind and stay there longer than 10 seconds at least, hold onto my hand whenever we'd walk around places, write me cute little notes or write cute little things on facebook about me, make me little surprises, etc. It may seem like I was asking for a lot, but I never asked for something he couldn't give. He was always capable of all this, because what I'm capable of doing for him, he's capable of doing also. He was a lot better than I was back when we started out, but he just stopped. I know maybe it's because of how I treated him for more than half of the relationship, but why let go of our memories that made us, us, when I finally realized how much effort I was missing? I remember, many months ago, I was such a patient person. I know I was, because this was around the time I knew he would never let me down, so I gave him all the freedom he wanted, because I trusted that he loved me enough to show the world that him and I were untouchable even when we were apart. That's what I loved about our relationship. The fact that I could let him be with his friends, and not worry about a single girl that would get his attention. Maybe I was little jealous here and there, but I remember being so calm, and trusting. I was patient with him, and I trusted him because he showed me he cared every chance he got. When I was tempermental, or angry, he showed me he was sorry. He showed me he meant it, not by just saying it in a sarcastic way like he does now, but he'd take the time to write it all down for me to understand. I was able to forgive him within seconds, because right away just that, would melt my heart, and make me feel guilty for even being mad at him in the first place. That's how great our relationship worked. Until now, I have the same temper tantrums, but this time he'd handle them differently. It's not his fault, but to begin with, maybe he should have never been patient with me in the first place so I wouldn't have to expect his infamous heartwarming letters or apology. Maybe if he was the way he was now, throughout the whole relationship, then my expectations wouldn't be so high anymore, because I know he was sooo much better than this. I know my patience and tolerance is so much better than this. If only we worked for us, and I worked for us, both equally, then maybe we would still be happily inlove. I am so envious of couples nowadays that do everything we used to do together. It makes me remember the times that he'd walk me home, as we'd hold hands, and laugh together about anything stupid. I remember getting all prettied up for him because I wanted to impress him each time I saw him. I remember every month, for the first few months of our relationship, I'd write him cute letters that would fill up a whole page just to show him how much I loved him and he'd write me poems just to show me how much he loved me. I miss that. That's all I wanted. I never meant for things to go this far, but it did. Now I'm just upset more at the fact that he couldn't even see that, and he uses me as an excuse to treat me the way he does. Hasn't he been noticing, that all I ever cry about, or talk about is how different we both were? It was never even about anything stupid. I'd simply bring up the past and compare it to now, and still he'd take it the wrong way, make me sad, trigger my temper, and a fight would ignite that would bring me to tears. Why is it so hard for him to understand, that I never wanted this. I never wanted for things to be this way. I don't even know if I'm even wanted in his life anymore. I'm angry with him, but deep down he knows what's in me, and where he's placed in my heart. I just want him to relize, that I just wanted the best for us. If he only took the time, and saw that. If only, he said, "Aw babe, I miss that too. I know we're different now, and I want for us to start over, but please, in order to do that, think before you get angry, or if it's something worth yelling at me for, because you know I'd show you my sincere apology if it was my fault. I'll do my best to get things back to the way they were before, I love you so much babe, you mean so much to me, remember that. Don't think for a second that I don't. I'm sorry for the change, but we're in this together okay?" IF ONLY, he was able to come up with that instead of an, "Oh my God, sorry, okay? Fuuuuuck! Stop crying! How the fuck am I supposed to be normal again if you keep bitching? Just chill, that's why I don't want to get back with you now, we're not ready to change for eachother. In the future, whatever happens, happens. If we're meant to be, then we're meant to be." Shit...do you know how much it kills me to hear that from him everytime? Ugh, he doesn't understand, that the right words, and the right tone of voice could reverse all of this madness, and it could turn out perfect. We're grde 12, we're being so immature. Right when high school's about to end, is when we both give up on each other. I don't even know, if he loves me enough to understand me, and force us to work. It's the LOVE that matters. Love is what should glue us together. Love is so powerful, that no matter how much I cry over the same shit, no matter how much he lets me down, forgets to hold my hand, ignores my tears, gets annoyed with my words, criticizes how wierd and unattarctive I've become, and how much he calls me a stupid bitch... the love I have for him is so strong that it makes me stay. Because I know that under all the bullshit he's become, the boy I met is still somewhere in him. I HAD faith in him, now I just don't know what faith I have left for him. If he really loved me, then he'd want to make me happy right? Hold me every chance he got, cooked with me for fun, cheered me up when I was sad, stand by me when chilling with a group of friends, and support me when I lost my bestfriend, cater to me when my grandmother passed away, understood my mood whenever my dad would upset me and I'd take my anger out on him, and for all other times I'd have tears streaming down my cheeks for every moment he was never there for me. All of that was missing, that's why I left him. Why should I waste my time trying to impress someone, and cater to someone who can't even do the same? Compare both our love, and tell me, who has been making up for all the times they've fucked up in the past ? I think he's past his limit, and I've been given enough punishment from the past. I'm so tired. It's hard letting go, but I'd be stupid if I didn't. I want to hope for an "US" in the future, but I don't want to be let down again. If he still cared, he'd do something, anything, to keep me from this pain I'm feeling right now, but he isn't. Now I'm questioning everything, did he really even love me? God, it hurts. I'm going to start praying every night, for things to simmer down. Any word from him would have been better than silence. I'm stupid, and he's stupid. I lost my boyfriend, over failure to communicate, lack of patience, and stupidity. Now as I'm trying to recover, I know for a fact that he doesn't even have to force a smile. He's naturally happy, because it's fun for him that I'm sad. This sucks. Love, can't be this cruel, especially when it came to his love. I know a lie can be painful, and maybe I'm just realizing now, that it was all just a lie...fuck.

If I can't speak to him personally, maybe my blogs would somehow get my point across to him. If he still doesn't care, then that sucks, and more and more I'll know if he's even worth being sad over.

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november262007
Justin Venturin Joo. It's honestly just been a whole roller coaster ride being with you. We're both different in every single way, we don't always get along. I don't always feel the need to baby you or treat you like a prince. I don't always show you that I'm there for you, or that I care about you. I don't always laugh at your jokes, or spoil you with materialistic gifts and go on cute dates with you. I don't always notice or appreciate the smallest, yet meaningful things that you do for me. I may not hold your hand in public, or visit you at home. I rarely get prettied up for you because I feel like I don't have to, because it's just you. I feel like I don't always need to have you wherever I go, or make at least half the effort you've put in to make this relationship work. I'm stubborn, rude, impatient, tempermental, hypocritical, aggressive; I'm everything you don't deserve. Even from the beginning, I was never the perfect girlfriend to you. If anything, I was the worst pick. I did nothing but put you through shit the past 15 months. I'm a shit girlfriend. Honestly, I'm sorry for all the times I'd yell at you for no reason. Im sorry for always putting myself before you. I'm just sorry for all the moments I put you down just so I could overdominate you. But if you look past everything, and gather up what's left of me after removing all hatred and anger and grump that I contain in me, I hope you find the little girl you once fell in love with when you asked her out. I hope you see all the love and the little effort that I never did for anybody else but you. I wish you'd see how strong these feelings were. Strong enough to penetrate through my veins and refrain myself from high blood pressure and gloom. Baby, if you only knew how great of a painkiller you are. You're the only thing that's worked on me after tylenol and my puffer. It feels like our hearts have conjoined, only I can't feel what you feel, I can't understand what you go through. But, for some reason, you can read my mind, you're slick, you see everything I see, and you feel everything I feel. I'm not the type to express my feelings through some lovey dovey poem. I can't even express it in plain english. I feel as if I'm foreign and illiterate when I try to speak a word of love and the feelings I have toward you. You know me well, but you don't know me well enough to believe that I care. I know I love you, I feel it. I know it's not stupid to say I do, even though I'm only just a kid at heart. But, no one can judge and speak for me. If this isn't love, then why am I always happy when I'm with you? Why do i feel hurt when when you disappoint me? If this isn't love, then I don't love my family. The feelings are similar, yet different. But it's love, I know it is. As long as I'm with you, I'll always believe in what we have. You help me contain this concept of love we're in into something real. As long as you hold onto me, and never give up on us, this "love" we so call feel, will become beyond love. It'll be something even more unexplainable. But it'll be that strong for us to take in, and cherish. I honestly, and deeply, love you, Justin Joo. Please know that.