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Writing my heart out..

(Saturday, June 12, 2010)

God, please tell me why bad things happen to such good people. I'm the weakest person I know, and I hate myself for that. Why couldn't I just be as strong as my family. I wish I knew how to handle shit in life, but here I am, like a fly with no wings. I don't know why I'd fucking trust him to make me happy, trust him to never hurt me, trust him to raise me up whenever I was feeling down. I don't know why I always kept depending on him for my happiness, when I have my friends and family who love me twice as much as he ever did. Why did I waste so much time and effort giving him what I could have been giving to other people? God, tell me please, why I gave my whole life to him, just for him to throw back at my face like it was nothing. Tell me, how I cried a river to him, and yelled out all of my hurt emotions, just for him to listen to as if it were a night jam that put him to sleep. Tell me, how a boy who's been with me for over 2 and a half years, just ruin me, and tear me up into shreds. Where do I begin? God, give me strength to hold myself together. I have so much more in life to worry about. My sister's boyfriend left her after about a 7 year relationship for another fucking girl. Piece of shit! I'm so angry at the world right now. I want to be there for my sister, but I can't even be there for myself. I'm so lost in the world right now. God, tell me, why did he have to treat me this way? I gave him so much, and offered all that I could. I was never enough. You know, when you're in love, and when you're satisfied with the person you're with, then there should barely be any fighting. If I only knew he never cared for me like I cared for him, then I should have left him when it was early. I should have left him before he changed my life. I'm so hurt. Please, someone, I'm desperate for help. I don't know how to be happy again. My parents just returned from the Philippines with gifts and smiles, expecting for their kids to be happy they're home. I feel so bad, that I have to put on a fake smile for something that I should be really happy for. I'm sorry mom and dad, for being this way. For letting a boy affect me this bad. I should be better than this. I'm stupid. Fuck. I'm struggling so hard with life right now. I don't have a school to attend next semester because I fucked up with applications, I don't have my G1, I don't have any money saved up because it all goes toward my family, food, or the fucking boy I thought was worth spending on. Lord, I messed up so bad! He messed up bad. My family hates him now. After all the hard work in getting them to accept him, all respect is lost. He's out of my fucking family's life. Dead and gone. All that holds onto him is me. I'm slowly letting go. I'm going to slowly fade from him, and find another. He just doesn't know, that he's losing me. He's oblivious at the fact that I am no longer whipped for him, and that he's lost someone so good to him. Just a couple days ago, I cooked him noodles as he fell asleep on my couch. I was so happy, attending to him, thinking he'd appreciate the kind of girlfriend I was, I made him lunches for school so that he wouldn't have to starve and spend on caf food, subway, mcdo, etc. All I fucking wanted was the old him back to the way he was. I'm too ashamed to take him back. After crying until I almost couldn't breathe, crying to my family, and crying to myself. He isn't worth it. Yet, I'm still in love with him. I knew that he was a great guy, once upon a time, but I've completely lost him. No one wants him in my life anymore. I can't be with him anymore. All he ever brought to my life was sadness, and happiness when he felt like giving his all to me, but that was it. I don't want to live this way anymore. My whole family's counting on me to forget him, and they're teaching me to be strong. My sister and I are in this together, and we're going to forget the boys that stole our hearts, and crushed them. To him: I don't know if I'll ever be your friend again. You can't possibly care, if you let me cry so hard and not even give me some closure. What kind of heart do you have to do this to a girl who can't even get back up on her feet without you being by her side. What kind of perosn are you to fucking hurt me like this? I hate you so much, I hate my sister's ex so much, and I'll hate any guy who has the balls to fuck with a girl's heart like this. It hurts too much, I can't bare it. It hurts so much, that it motivates me to forget about you. You're just a life lesson to me now. I've loved you so much, that it's all turned into hatred. I'll never look at you the same. I've stopped believing and hoping for you to be mine the same way before. I'm done with that sick illusion. You're fucking dead to me. You're the meanest person I know, and although I may have been the worst to you at times, deep down you knew what my intentions were, and you knew how much you meant to me. Everyone knows that. Just because you know I've fallen head over heels for you doesn't mean you can just watch me suffer like it's entertainment to you. This break up, is to forget you, not to heal us. I'm sick and tired of that. I've given you my time, and you wasted it. I miss you so much, but I don't ever want to hear about you. You fucked me over, and it'll take a million months until I'll be good again. But if I fight the pain real hard, I'll be over faster than you know it, and I hope karma gets you, because you've lost me. I can't ever fucking forgive you. Fuck you.

Labels: God

extras

november262007
Justin Venturin Joo. It's honestly just been a whole roller coaster ride being with you. We're both different in every single way, we don't always get along. I don't always feel the need to baby you or treat you like a prince. I don't always show you that I'm there for you, or that I care about you. I don't always laugh at your jokes, or spoil you with materialistic gifts and go on cute dates with you. I don't always notice or appreciate the smallest, yet meaningful things that you do for me. I may not hold your hand in public, or visit you at home. I rarely get prettied up for you because I feel like I don't have to, because it's just you. I feel like I don't always need to have you wherever I go, or make at least half the effort you've put in to make this relationship work. I'm stubborn, rude, impatient, tempermental, hypocritical, aggressive; I'm everything you don't deserve. Even from the beginning, I was never the perfect girlfriend to you. If anything, I was the worst pick. I did nothing but put you through shit the past 15 months. I'm a shit girlfriend. Honestly, I'm sorry for all the times I'd yell at you for no reason. Im sorry for always putting myself before you. I'm just sorry for all the moments I put you down just so I could overdominate you. But if you look past everything, and gather up what's left of me after removing all hatred and anger and grump that I contain in me, I hope you find the little girl you once fell in love with when you asked her out. I hope you see all the love and the little effort that I never did for anybody else but you. I wish you'd see how strong these feelings were. Strong enough to penetrate through my veins and refrain myself from high blood pressure and gloom. Baby, if you only knew how great of a painkiller you are. You're the only thing that's worked on me after tylenol and my puffer. It feels like our hearts have conjoined, only I can't feel what you feel, I can't understand what you go through. But, for some reason, you can read my mind, you're slick, you see everything I see, and you feel everything I feel. I'm not the type to express my feelings through some lovey dovey poem. I can't even express it in plain english. I feel as if I'm foreign and illiterate when I try to speak a word of love and the feelings I have toward you. You know me well, but you don't know me well enough to believe that I care. I know I love you, I feel it. I know it's not stupid to say I do, even though I'm only just a kid at heart. But, no one can judge and speak for me. If this isn't love, then why am I always happy when I'm with you? Why do i feel hurt when when you disappoint me? If this isn't love, then I don't love my family. The feelings are similar, yet different. But it's love, I know it is. As long as I'm with you, I'll always believe in what we have. You help me contain this concept of love we're in into something real. As long as you hold onto me, and never give up on us, this "love" we so call feel, will become beyond love. It'll be something even more unexplainable. But it'll be that strong for us to take in, and cherish. I honestly, and deeply, love you, Justin Joo. Please know that.